02: The Most Radical of Sabbaticals

When I told people that I'm going to travel around the world for one day to one year the most common question was "where are you going"? Few folks asked me why. 

I'm 36. This isn't a post-collegiate summer trip. This isn't a trip that I'm taking before starting a "real job" with "real adult responsibilities". This is me taking a year off of being a responsible adult to do something different - to be something different. There is a laundry list of why, but at the core of this experience I can say with certainty that this was not a choice. I was destined for this journey. I've known for 20+ years I would travel around the world. It's also taken me those 20 years to make peace with the fear of what this trip may become. Also money. Turns out saving money is a thing if you want to take a year off. Ugh.

There's a lot of "shoulds" that have been both projected upon me and ones that I have created as I've gone about living life. I should have a real career. I should make good money. I should have more friends. I should buy a house. I should have a partner. I should have kids. I should be more successful. And the list goes on. And on. And on. If the most courageous thing I could do is do what's right for me then that means ignoring the shoulds and setting out on my own path. Unknown. Uncertain. Unclear. And courageously curious for what the other side of should may become.

Let's start with the truthiest truth of all. This trip scares the shit out of me. No one prepares you for leaving what is comfortable, safe and easy for the unknown. I didn't take a college class in this. I didn't read a book. I don't have all the answers for how this works. Hell, I only have 1 airline ticket. But at the center of these fears is the reality that I wasn't taught to live in the space between fear and possibility. This is the place where magic can happen. It's taken me 36 years to realize that no one is going to teach me this, it's time for me to do it. To release the should and to embrace the fear. After all, everything we want is on the other side of fear. 

To prepare for this trip mentally, spiritually and materialistically was no small fete. There are far more unknowns than knowns at this point. You can call these fears or questions or intentions but these are the unanswered things circling in my head and heart. 

• What does it mean to be comfortable being uncomfortable? 
• What am I actually afraid of?
• What gifts do I have to share with people?
• Hostels won't be that bad, right? Right??
• What happens if I get robbed?
• Will I shit my pants? (No seriously, this is a legit fear of mine.) 
• What if I get bored? Or sad? Or happy? Or lonely? 
• What if I don't make it a full year? What if I make it longer than a year? 
• What if I run out of money?
• If I recognize the balance between my ego, fear and my talents, what job do I want to pursue when I'm back? 
• What if I don't want to come back? 
• How do I live more simply without material needs? (Amazon Prime, I will miss you.)
• What if there are only 20-somethings traveling? Am I going to feel so old in comparison? 
• Will I fall in love with someone? Or, will I fall in love with myself? 
• What if I don't make any friends? 
• What if I miss my friends and Portland? (And my cat!!!)   
• What if I get sick? 
• What if I can't speak Spanish? 
• How can I have the most clothes and do the least amount of laundry? 
• Do I actually need to take malaria pills in India? 
• What will this trip really mean to me? 

And again, the list goes on. 

My logical brain can easily rationalize and say, "Megan, these are fears and (some of them) are ridiculous." My logical brain is also saying, "Ya, you're definitely going to shit your pants. Not much you can do about it now is there?"

Trust me. Whatever projections or judgement people have expressed I've also thought them. I've waffled between cancelling this trip and buying a house in Portland. I've kept this journey as a secret for months because I didn't want to tell people then not actually do it. I've thought about just getting a job while I'm traveling so that I'm still be partially responsible and partially traveling.

I'm sharing these fear-questions to bring some peace to them. To give these little seeds of doubt some light and love and also to recognize that this trip and my path will not be perfect. In fact, I imagine it will be far from perfect. 

For now, these are all unknowns. I imagine my expectations and reality will align and diverge just like it does in life. I bring some peace to these items while also staying open to the infinite possibilities that this journey may become. 

- M