34: Occam’s Razor and the Reality of Reality
April marks month 11 of this adventure and it also marks the reality that it’s time to head home. There’s a lot of emotions wrapped up with this decision, namely, is this the right decision? Beyond the arbitrary date I set for myself to travel for one year, how do I really know when it’s time?
I met Joe at our Ayahuasca retreat in Peru way back in September 2018. At the time, I was only 3 months into my travels and he was 10 months in. He had a very similar journey to mine but his was backwards - he started in Nepal and India, went to SE Asia and then decided to ride a motorbike from Colorado to the most Southern tip of South America (badass!). Our paths gloriously crossed in Peru.
Joe and I “volunteered” to do Kambo (frog poison) first. I think we both wanted to get it over with. Here we’re just settling into the feeling of hell.
And now we’re fully in hell. Hot, sick and over it.
BUT WE SURVIVED! And we met up and got McDonald’s ice cream in Lima after the retreat was over. True friend, proud to know him.
I got to asking my normal course of questions for folks who have been on the road a long time and at the time he told me he couldn’t wait to go home. That was pretty shocking. At 3 months I was having a fantastic time and was loving it. I literally couldn’t imagine being ready to go home regardless of 3 months or 10 months. But now that I’m 11 months in, I know exactly how Joe was feeling because I feel it too.
A handful of people have speculated that I’ll never return. I’ll be a multi-year traveler with no end in sight and no home to come back to. I find that wonderfully preposterous (!) but also a wonderful compliment. Clearly they saw something in me that I didn’t see, perhaps an ability to adapt and evolve to a new life on the road. But I never saw myself being someone who would never come home. The lure of travel is wonderful and glorious and sexy (sometimes) but it’s also hard, dirty, lonely, boring and most of all, I find that it lacks complexity. Let me explain.
Cool picture right? Nope. This was the air quality for almost the entire 9 days I was in Laos. The entire country is on fire because they burn their rice fields after the harvest. Daily headaches and horrible air quality are not fun.
This is me being over a very hot kayaking trip. Probably very ready to go home and Netflix and chill here.
I was ECSTATIC to buy this ridiculous cotton candy at this overtly touristy place in Indonesia. On the flip side, I was outraged on how this park treated approximately 40 caged rabbits. It was animal cruelty and appalling.
I needed and wanted a break from all the things that make us lose sight of living our most wholehearted life. The torment of toxic jobs, the restlessness of figuring out “who am I, what is my purpose here”, the boredom of a city that you’ve done everything once and you ending up realizing that days, weeks and years pass by with little fanfare. That’s life. And it’s beautiful and heartbreaking in it’s simplicity. I wanted to challenge those expectations and my reality and I did. It took a few months of de-programming to re-program myself to find a new baseline. This isn’t some soapbox where I’m going to say I’m a whole new and improved me, far from it. I’m the same old Megan but I just have a year of a different kind of chaos, learning and growth under my belt.
What I wholeheartedly did not realize I would miss doing is something meaningful on a daily basis. To be more specific, I need to use my brain in a complex, interesting and worthwhile way on a daily basis.
Bug, my fur baby! I miss this stupid cat so much.
In the beginning having no daily schedule, no to do list and no obligations was joyous. Now, almost a year later I find it meaningless. Part of it is my own fault. I didn’t fully anticipate this unique definition of boredom, but boredom is what it is. You can only see so many temples, go on so many tours and see so many new towns and cities before it all sort of melds into one another. I meant to figure out a place I could volunteer and settle for a month or longer and build a little routine and contribute, but I never did that. I was steadily on the move for the past 11 months, the longest place I was at was OSHO and that was around 3 weeks and this has caught up with me. Now this lack of complexity has me fantasizing about future jobs, new projects, catching up with old friends and making new ones, finding a community I can contribute to in the US and how the transition back home will go, especially since I have no real home base to go back to. Everything is a juicy and delicious possibility, and that is an exciting fantasy!
Until recently I thought I could find this in Sweden. I was in the process of applying for a 3 month volunteer job at a retreat center in Sweden. The job was from mid May - August and it was my hope that it would tick all the boxes - a routine, like minded humans, a place to call home for a longer period of time and a retreat center that maybe, just maybe, would feel a little like Esalen. I sent a rather compelling application letter for a job that I was unqualified for, they wanted someone who had been to the retreat center before and I didn’t have that experience. But my letter got me through the doors to be considered for a volunteer coordinator that had larger roles and responsibilities there, this could not have been a more perfect job for me. I felt like it was custom made for me and it was no surprise that this opportunity almost fell into my lap.
And then you’re sitting on a beach thinking I’m never going to leave.
A delightful, fun and awesome day always makes you reconsider what and when to go home.
The tour group baked me a cake for my Birthday and sang to me at least 3 times that day. Beyond grateful and appreciative.
But what happened next was surprising. My excitement to go to Sweden was equal to my excitement to go home. I needed to understand that more so I thought about it, I felt it and what it came down to was that I had past the date where 3 months anywhere would work for me. If this opportunity had been available in January it wouldn’t have been a question. It would have been a resounding YES! But the reality of being gone longer didn’t feel right. The idea of home was calling me and I couldn’t ignore it.
This is my Occam’s Razor. The simplest answer is probably the answer. I’m ready to go home because I’m ready. I just know.
As I’m writing this in early April, this journey is far from over (although there are plenty of frustrating days that I wish it were). I know that I’m not entirely ready to throw the towel in. I mean, I haven’t even bought a plane ticket home! I still have another 6+ weeks which feels like will be over in a minute. 6 weeks is a luxury when you think about how many vacation days typical Americans have. I also have another beloved friend coming to meet me in Vietnam, she will be the final person from home I see on this incredible journey and I’m so grateful this part of my trip has included so many beautiful friends and humans from home.
And then you meet 9 humans from Brazil, Germany, The Netherlands, Switzerland and Denmark who are so genuinely nice, fun and generous that you never want to leave. A week with these people was not enough and yet so meaningful as part of this trip.
In the meantime, my internal dial has shifted. I can sense it in everything I do that I’m readying myself for my travels home. And in so many ways, I need this 6 weeks to slowly and surely prepare myself for my return. Part logistical planning, part fantasy of what life could be and part trepidation of what it will feel like when I return. All that said and done, I’m so freaking excited to figure it all out.
- M
