37: We Must Stop Normalizing this Behavior
I’ve felt the bitter taste of being bullied from a young age. I was an easy target growing up as a fat kid in a world obsessed with beauty and thinness. But now that I’m a fat adult with a voice, I don’t have to take the abuse or violence. So I didn’t.
Finding my voice on this trip, and frankly in life, is an ever evolving and slow process. I only know what I know in this moment. More often than not, I replay situations in my head where subtle jabs and nuanced attacks on my personality or my Megan-ness were the feature of ridicule and insult. In the moment, my ability to advocate for myself passes as quickly as the insult did. Then there are times when someone says or does something with such ferocity that it’s like a sucker punch to the gut, it takes your breath away. This is one of those times.
I didn’t need to find my voice in this situation, I used it. And I’m using it again in this blog post.
This story doesn’t start out well and since I’m writing a blog post about it you can guess it didn't end well either. It’s never a fun day when you can trace back to the exact moment when you lose a friendship but I will not be treated this way. I refuse to let men continue behavior like this. A lost friendship is a sad but perpetuating misogyny is worse.
In the first few weeks after landing in Mexico I met and befriended a Mexican-American man. He’s in his mid thirties and over the past few months we’ve connected on WhatsApp with jokes, life updates and the normal casual banter. And more than just banter, he wanted to move back to the US for a job and I was his cheerleader. I reviewed his resume, I tried to make some connections for him to chat with people, I was invested in his success. I considered his friendship a fantastic outcome of this trip and given my obsession with Mexico, he was a person it was entirely possible to see again in my future travels.
Like many other occasions we sent random messages back and forth, this conversation started off innocently enough. When I flew into Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam’s capital, I was with Marre from Sweden. She and I met while traveling in the Philippines. We were then stranded in the city for a few days because of the headache of extending our Vietnam Visas. While in the city we decided we needed to find Vietnam’s best Mexican restaurant, it was time for a break from SE Asian cuisine. More importantly, finding good margaritas was a persuasive force. Thanks again to Google, we ended up at this fantastic Mexican restaurant. The restaurant had a cool mural on one wall and I randomly took a short video of a it which also featured Marre for a brief moment. Thinking nothing of it, I sent it to him.
As you can see from the picture in this blog post his response is appalling and wildly unexpected.
Every time I see this message it makes my blood boil all over again. For the majority of people reading this I don’t think I need to explain my reaction of shock and disgust. This is disrespect in its highest form. But more nuanced, the text conversation that followed was ripe with misogyny and sexism.
As I sit with this interaction more a whole new wave of anger rushes over me and one of many reasons why I’m writing this blog post. As much as I desperately (and for a brief moment) wanted to explain this away as cultural differences, I can’t and I won’t. This blog has given me a vehicle for creativity and it has also given me a platform to question things like life, human interactions, privilege and the opportunity to shine light on injustices.
I believe the collective we need to discuss this. We need to bring light to this over and over and over again until these seemingly benign comments are called out for what they really are - misogyn and sexism.
The reality is that this interaction isn’t special or even spectacular. This simple text is an every day occurrence. It’s so generic it’s almost not even worth writing about, but it is. This is why I’m writing this post. There are millions of these examples every woman I know has and these happen with such volume and frequency they get dismissed for so many reasons. And I’m furious about it. It is time to stop normalizing this behavior from men. We need to expect and demand more.
This text conversation continued into further reaches of anger and rage when I called him out and he defended his words and actions by saying it was just a joke. He then proceeded to tell me that I’m a drama queen and that I should “text me when your not on your period” (his grammar errors, not mine).
If I wasn’t fired up from the first message, this really put me over the edge during the conversation. Reading and re-reading this it makes me furious all over again. But here’s the one thing I’m willing to remind myself of in these moments, not everyone lives an examined life. Socrates would have been proud if we had, but that’s not what happens and that surely is not what has happened here with this man. I don’t believe he has the ability or emotional intelligence to confront these message as a reflection of his own bias because I don’t think he is able to think about these in a way that is anything but a joke. And while that’s a terribly sad reality, it’s the reality nonetheless.
I want to point the finger of blame very quickly and very easily to him and these words and sentiments. If I’m honest, part of writing this blog post is doing just that. He’s obviously in the wrong. But the other part of this blog post needs to examine these words because this man was unable to. This isn’t new information, however for some, and definitely for him, it will be. These aren’t just jokes or words, there’s decades and generations of harm they cary and we must hold men (and humans) to higher standards.
Even if this is a reminder, I ask you to read this and welcome your feedback.
ONE
Stop commenting on women’s bodies. And any bodies for that matter. The world is obsessed with thinness and beauty and when you lose some weight everyone celebrates. My worthiness is not derived from how much weight I loose or how fat or skinny I am compared to everyone else. STOP. If you want to compliment people, tell them how smart, brave, kind, strong, vibrant, incredible, glowing, happy or a million other adjectives they are.
TWO
Stop calling women bitches. This is for everyone, including me. Calling women bitches undermines treating women as people. It’s sexist and demeaning. It’s not a joke to belittle someone’s existence into a term like bitch.
THREE
Can you take responsibility for your actions? Are you able to say, “I’m sorry for my actions or words”? The power of acknowledging these actions and a simple apology is remarkably simple and worth your time.
FOUR
Explaining the background of your actions and excusing them as a joke is not acceptable. This is not an apology. This is not taking responsibility for your actions. If you have hurt someone’s feeling saying it was a joke makes it feel like the other person is at fault for feeling the way they are.
FIVE
This is never an apology: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is gaslighting. Stop discounting where people are coming from and acknowledge that your actions have repercussions - even if they were unintended repercussions. Saying I’m sorry you feel that way is once again making the person feel like they have to explain their emotional reaction to a situation. This is not acceptable.
SIX
Half of the world’s population is women. Women have periods. We can have periods for 40-50 years of our lives. Having a period is the means by which women are able to get pregnant and give birth to other humans, it is not an opportunity to scape goat women for being crazy, emotional or irrational when we demand what we need.
SEVEN
I can’t believe I have to say this but I do. Who I have sex with is none of your damn business. Stop commenting on who women have sex with as a means to shame or congratulate them.
EIGHT
Drama queen. Let’s break this down a little. Men call women a drama queen because why? Because it’s an insult because we have an emotional intelligence far superior to men and we’re able to articulate more intricate emotions? Or is it because men are uncomfortable with any type of emotion women express and therefor we are dramatic? This is good old fashion sexism.
This isn’t a cumulative list. This is just what I felt after this experience. These are reminders for all of us. This is the work that must be done. It’s time to hold people accountable for their actions. I’m not asking for everyone to be perfect but we have a long way to go.
- M
