14: So, are you sad yet?

For whatever reason, this past week 2-3 people have asked me some variation of, “Are you sad or lonely yet?”. I’d like to think that this is just a general question asked with love and kindness, not with the small chance in taking delight that I may indeed be sad or lonely. 

So, am I? The answer is fortunately quite simple. No. No, I’m not sad or lonely but there is something else somewhat unexpected brewing. 

Incredible views from Bogota, Colombia. I didn’t do the 1 hour hike to the top (at 10,341 feet) because I’m pretty sure I would have died.

When I started this journey and this blog I listed out a whole bunch of fears and questions. That was my truth serum, I really did open my most vulnerable heart and stated what I thought was an extensive list of things I would encounter. I expected to hit a lot of obstacles but I didn’t expect to feel this. At 2.5 months in I feel fully saturated. There are two sides to this feeling, I don’t want to call them negative and positive because they don’t need to be described as good and bad, they just are. 

On one hand I’m immensely grateful. Except for spending all of my money (and explosive diarrhea) I have no real problems or worries. I have no where to go and nothing to do and no one I need to be. Not having any real responsibilities and no time obligations is freeing. Almost terrifyingly liberating. So much so that 2.5 months has flown by and I have no idea how. When I sit in reflection I think, “ya, I’m good”. I’m not ready to come home but if I had to that would be ok too.

On the other hand, the shiny newness of everything has worn off. It’s not intoxicating as it was 2+ months ago. Everything was so new and put me in such a zone of discomfort and growth that it was living on the edge of the unknown. That is gone. I now have a new sense and the utmost faith that I’ll figure it out — whatever the situation may be. At the same time, these experiences feel less impactful from when I started. There are days that I just go through the motions because I’ve done this now throughout Central and South America and that’s what I have to do.

As I was thinking about this feeling I reflected on the experiences and writing of my dear friend Rhienna who moved to Helsinki, Finland with her partner for a year. She had her home base in Finland but took dozens of short trips all around the world. She wrote of her travels and sentiments and because I adore her and her writing I’ve read this a dozen times, wishing that I had written it and also addicted to the sentiment she writes here. A beautiful definition of the traveler’s life and of my current state.  

“a year isn’t the longest amount of time, but it is substantial. I often pondered what aspects of myself were rooted in a location, and which parts weren’t (“wherever you go, there you are”). ever the variety slut with wanderlust, I used to say I felt the “most me” when I was traveling — out of context with my routines and my familiars, just me, crystallized. but looking back now, that notion was both a naive charm and a fatal flaw: the traveler is always contrasting where they are (or have been) with where they are from. what they are learning with what they know.”

It is indeed true. The traveler is always contrasting. Am I happier here than I was there? Am I less sad here than I was there? Will I like X more than Y? And so on. As I continue to settle into being a full time traveler, I recognize that a large part of these experiences are all about contrast. Because it doesn’t matter wherever you go, there you are. And where you are is a culmination of previous experiences. While I’d like to say my mindfulness practice allows me to be completely in this present moment at all times, it’s not true. I can’t help but compare my experiences today with yesterday, and tomorrow with next week.

So for now, I’m not sad or lonely. For now, I feel full and satisfied.

- M