10: How are you doing? How are you doing, really?

Every week at Esalen, we had 2 hours of group process, also known as group gestalt therapy. Each session our leader started off with the question, “How are you doing? And now, how are you doing, really?” The goal of the second question to cut through the bullshit and get to the core of what’s actually going on, not just staying on the surface level of your check in. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve thought of this question but it seems so relevant considering my current circumstances.

So, how am I REALLY doing? Well, I don’t think I’m cut out for Guatemala. More specifically, I don’t think I’m cut out for the jungle. Perhaps they would call this the forest here, fine. I’m not going to split hairs but there’s no forest I know that grows banana trees and coffee plants. Y’all, I’m trapped in the jungle!  

So, so, so beautiful...during the day. 

I so desperately want to be cool and tough and want to love it here but I can’t. Mostly it’s because there are bugs EVERYWHERE. For example, literally as I’m writing this a scorpion fell from the ceiling onto my bed maybe 8 inches from where I’m laying. LEGIT. A SCORPION FELL FROM THE RAFTERS ONTO MY BED AND I’M LOSING MY EVER LOVING COOL. But don’t worry, because before I could jump out of bed and find some device to kill it, it meandered down my bed and then began to crawl inside my comforter. 

This is not my idea of fun. Guatemala, you are not my idea of fun. 

This was my little hut for 10 days. Clearly I gave it a name. It was known as The Scorpion Hut. Or The Scorp Hut! 

Considering Guatemala wasn’t even on my list of places to visit, this has been beyond challenging. 

The only silver lining to this story is that in my broken Spanish I asked someone who works here and he confirmed, it is not a mito (myth), scorpions do not like lavender. Who else remembers that stupid movie from the 90’s where Diana Lane goes to Italy and buys an Italian mansion and there’s a whole lavender and scorpion scene? I can’t believe I remembered that and also was able to use it as actual knowledge. It’s completely dark outside and since I have no cool, I just went out into the garden and pulled a few clumps of lavender out and spread them around my room. 

This is a major obstacle from enjoying my time here. Every day I see a new bug I’ve never seen (and secretly pray that it’s not the most poisonous “whatever” known to man). And every day I dread running into some creature or thing that it scarier than the last. I check my bed two or three times every night before I crawl in and drift off to restless sleep imagining all of the bugs and bites I am getting. 

The spiders here are the size of houses. And they are everywhere. A plant brushes my leg and I jump thinking it’s a bug, or worse, a snake. To say I’m handling this part of my journey in the least graceful way is an understatement. I don’t know how to be cool when everything gives me the heebie-jeebies. 

Let’s take a step back. I decided to leave Mexico and head to Guatemala so I could do some sort of a retreat where I could meditate, hang out, not stress about moving around, maybe do a little yoga. I found this seemingly cool place called the Yoga Forest in San Marcos which is a little hippy village on Lake Atitlán. This place is well known for lots of western travelers but also for the yoga and meditation community. While the title should have been a indication that it is indeed in the forest, there’s a 25+ minute hike to get to this place. There is no electricity except 1 hour a day so you can charge your devices (no surprise most people use their phones as alarms and flash lights). There’s also no running toilets, all of the bathrooms are compostable. All of these things I could handle (more or less) but adding the bugs to this situation just puts me over the top. I’m freaking the fuck out. 

The final steps up to the Yoga Forest. Each time I hiked up this last bit I took a 5+ minute rest at the bottom so I could have some (self respect) stamina to make it to the top. 

Next morning update: Yes, I killed the scorpion that fell onto my bed last night. However, when I woke up this morning thinking I would discard of the body…IT WAS GONE! Either something else came into my room and ate it (jesus fucking christ) or worse! it wasn’t actually dead and it scurried away in the middle of the night only to haunt me another night. The cleaning crew has done an extra thorough cleanse of my room but I’m not looking forward to the night when all of the creepy crawlers come back out. Please pray for me. 

Today I hiked the 25+ minute trail back into town to get wifi and to figure out my next steps. I know there’s some woo woo lesson to be learned in all of this. And I’m sure I could have a bit more patience and a bit more chill, in fact I know I could and I am intentionally working on it. And I know I said that I want to be comfortable being uncomfortable but I think bugs falling from the ceiling is my limit. Perhaps as this trip continues I’ll look back and laugh at how silly these bugs are in comparison to wherever I’m at in the world but for now, I have 24/7 anxiety about it. Everywhere I sit, every step I take, every thing I do I’m looking for bugs that are going to bite / main / kill me. 

Tomorrow I’ll make the hike back into town and I’m pretty sure I’m checking out early from this place. My next step is Panama City. Bugs or not, the journey continues. 

- M