07: Learning Spanish Poco a Poco. Pago a Pago.

I am celebrating my one week anniversary of taking Spanish in Mexico. Not exactly a big anniversary but I've successfully taken classes 7 days in a row. Each class is a one-on-one lesson totalling 4 hours a day. 

20+ hours a week of Spanish immersion feels like a lot of work. Like a lot a lot. Day 7 also marks the first day that I didn't leave completely exhausted, jaw hurting, miserable and desperate to speak English. Hooray for me (and my pity party). 

Prison cell or classroom? 

My days are split into two, 2 hour blocks. Each instructor has a different vibe, different style and different materials to share. However, all of them have the same goal - speak more Spanish. The days are mostly spent asking lots of questions and having simple conversations. I like to think of it as a completely platonic 4 hour long speed date. As the hours go by we ask the most basic of questions to each other: "What's your favorite book?" "When is the last time you cooked dinner for your friends?" "Do you have any animals?" "Where did you live when you were a kid"? And so on. Being on the other side of these conversations must be terrible. Trust me, I try to ask more sincere and interesting questions but often times my broken Spanglish can't communicate the sentiment or content correctly. 

However, there has been one question that has gotten a good laugh from all my teachers. In some form or another I ask, "What's your favorite word or phrase in English?" The most random of the responses were:

• "Are you pulling my leg?" 
• "I mean..." (For example when someone says, "I mean...you're like really pretty.")
• "Bruhahhah" (Also, who says this?) 
• "Sup"

As you may have guessed, in return they ask me what my favorite word or phrase in Spanish is. The answer is easy for me because it's been so relevant to my time in Oaxaca and particularly in learning Spanish. I've also heard this from every Spanish teacher I've had. Especially when I'm eagerly asking questions that are too advanced or will come in time. It is:

Poco a poco. Pago a pago.

(Little by little. Step by step.) 

I've mentioned in my blog before that Spanish feels like a necessity here (and throughout Latin America) but I've definitely considered and re-considered why I'm taking it. I've struggled with how overwhelming it is and the desire and need to "just be good at it already". What comes easiest for me in this situation is to be overwhelmed and to default to shame. Shame for not realizing how difficult this was going to be and starting to practice earlier. Shame for saying the wrong things to people. Shame for not wanting to try and speak Spanish. What I haven't done is give myself a break. 

Do I want to be learning Spanish today? NOPE. 

As I reflect on this it comes down to my deep desire (and comfort) in only doing things I'm good at. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist (and still don't) but the fear of looking like an idiot has overwhelmed my desire to even try. In my 2nd blog post my very first question to myself was "What does it mean to be comfortable being uncomfortable?" So, what does it mean?

It means that I can recognize that I signed up for this and like all difficult things the beginning is always the hardest. It means I should continue to put myself in difficult situations because growth is possible (and in many more ways inevitable). It means that this is worth of my time and effort, regardless of the outcome. (aka, "You have a right to perform your prescribed duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions." Thanks Bhagavad Gita!) It also means that I want to consider and think about what new things/hobbies/activities I want to pursue when I'm back in the states. And lastly it means that no matter what, I'm proud of myself for even trying.  

So little by little and step by step I'm sticking with Spanish class. The following week I will take 4 days of group classes so I can put this new knowledge and my skills to the test. I sincerely doubt in 3 months I'll be writing another blog post saying, "My Spanish is incredible now! I'm the coolest." But who knows, nothing is impossible. 

- M