21: Unexpected Gratitude

The Indian welcome wagon hit! It only took 7 days before I had a short, albeit annoying, bout of food poisoning. And I didn’t even eat any meat. 

I try not to make comparisons but, in comparison to my Peru food poisoning this is nothing. In Peru I was fully incapacitated for 12 hours. I could barely walk or move let alone be away from a bathroom. In India, I’ve been able to power through most of the time. And of course this bout of food poisoning hit on the day we went to the Taj Mahal.

My get-me-the-F-outta-here grimace.

Mom & Dad! Not really. Xedex and Mary looking gorgeous and healthy.

Getting sick is bad but getting sick on a travel day is worse but getting sick on the day you go to the Taj Mahal is the biggest bummer. I’m pretty devastated to have been feeling so ill, I wasn’t able to really take in the grandeur that this monument and mausoleum is. Once we left the site as we were walking away I vomited. So maybe I’ll get a T-shirt made that says, “I saw the Taj Mahal and all I did was vomit”. Seems catchy. 

And now, I’m writing this post sitting on a 5+ hour train from Agra to Jaipur and after a short 2 hour nap my intestinal duress has downgraded from major upset stomach / nausea to an annoying gas bubble. Caveat: that’s just the current situation, this thing goes in waves so I’ll be bracing for the next wave in no time.

View from the training. And this is the deluxe train.

Hey look, it’s me! Sick selfie.

This guy is living his best life on this train. Trains are gross y’all.

And while I’m sitting here trying not to be miserable a funny thing happened. A wave of unbridled joy and gratitude has washed over me.

This happens every so often. It seems to hit when I’m traveling either on long bus rides or some form of transportation where I’m able to take a moment, empty my thoughts and out of nowhere, I’m beautifully content.

Today I was thinking about what I would be doing on this random Wednesday in Portland, Oregon. Sitting at a job. In a meeting. Possibly enjoying the fall day. Looking forward to what Christmas movies I’d watch the next weekend. All things I have major FOMO that my friends at home are doing, mind you. But in that moment of worry about what was happening in Portland I had beautiful clarity in knowing that even being sick in India I’d still choose this option.

Without trying to sound braggadocious (great word, btw) I had the option of choosing the known and safe route - of denying this calling to travel and putting this trip on hold, likely indefinitely. And I didn’t. And even after these many months, I still find that so hard to believe. Where did this courage come from? Beyond the financial and logistical means that is required of this trip, where did I summon the courage to do this? How did I make this dream a reality?

And honestly, I don’t really know.

And maybe I’ll never fully know. Maybe part of the mystery and reality is that little by little, it just happened. Both to me and because of me. And because of so many factors, I am sitting here on this train, feeling sick but feeling so damn grateful.

I didn’t know how to put it into words until I re-read my post 02: The Most Radical of Sabbaticals and said:

“But at the center of these fears is the reality that I wasn't taught to live in the space between fear and possibility. This is the place where magic can happen. It's taken me 36 years to realize that no one is going to teach me this, it's time for me to do it. To release the should and to embrace the fear. After all, everything we want is on the other side of fear.”

And here I am! So grateful to be fully living and embracing the fear AND the magic. And this magic is glorious.