16: The Ayahuasca Journey: Part 2 What did I get myself into?

Oct 14

Oct 14 16: The Ayahuasca Journey: Part 2 What did I get myself into?

I can’t entirely tap into why, but I’ve been dreading writing this post. I intentionally wanted to share my experiences with ayahuasca but something is still off so I’ve been procrastinating writing this.

Part of it feels deeply intimate talking about my experiences. Part of if is the reality that I was woefully unprepared for my week with Mama Aya, or actually, I thought I was SUPER prepared and turns out I was just SUPER naive. Part of it is that one night was really, really terrifying. Part of it is that I also haven’t fully processed it. And lastly, to do this experience justice, this ended up being a really long post. (You’ve been warned.)

Regardless of the reasons I don’t want to write this, I’ll do my best in recounting my experiences. Perhaps a delightful side product of this post will be additional processing of those experiences.

Let me start off my saying that I don’t regret my week in the jungle with ayahuasca. In terms of what I was hoping to experience on this trip, my week checked all the boxes. It was totally outside of my comfort zone, I put some blind faith and trust in the process and ultimately learned some things about myself. Success!

The retreat center is in the middle of the jungle. The only mode of transportation is by boat.

What was a totally unexpected emotion to experience was fear. Fear in the terms of being truly terrified. If you read my blog post about my treacherous experience sailing from Panama to Colombia I proclaimed that I had “the worst night of my life”. That pails in comparison to my 3rd night of ayahuasca. Maybe I'm chalking this up to having basically no experience with psychedelics but I didn’t really realize you could lose your mind. And thus I did.

Let me also say that I share this post and my experience with ayahuasca with no expectations of a response. I’m not trying to convince you to try it (but if you do, that is amazing) and I’m also not trying to demonize it. I love your continued support on this journey but I don’t have any expectations of writing this with the desire of hearing your advice, judgement or disappointment. And, if you read this post and you feel any of these things, that’s totally understandable too! This was a complicated week with complicated feelings so please be warned ahead of time and read this with an open mind and open heart.

So, let’s do this thing! Let me start at the beginning.

Some Relevant Background

I signed up for a 7 day ayahuasca retreat in Iquitos, Peru. During the retreat you have 5 aya ceremonies and a few other optional ceremonies, specifically Kambo (which is frog poison) and San Pedro (which is a cactus plant and psychedelic). The main attraction though is the ayahuasca ceremonies. It’s called a ceremony because it is just that. It’s not people just doing drugs in the jungle, it’s part of an entire night (and week) of orchestrated and finely tuned events.

The day of the ceremony officially starts after eating lunch around 1pm. This is the holy grail of meals because it’s the last meal of the day before you fast until the next morning. Luckily, the food was incredible and in alignment with the ayahuasca diet. Ya, that’s right. Not only do you do ayahuasca for 5 days you also have to eat only specific foods during the week AND FOR TWO WEEKS BEFORE. Let me tell you, that may have been the hardest part of this experience. The diet restricts the following: no drugs (no big deal for me), no alcohol, no sugar, no salt, no pork, no onions (this was a lie, we ate onions), no sex and no caffeine. Also, if you are on any prescription medication you are urged to go off them during the diet and the week of the retreat. This diet = NO FUN.

Even though it was very difficult, I understand the reason for it. You cleanse yourself of toxins and devote your time and energy in service of the upcoming ceremonies. Plus, it’s believed that Mother Ayahuasca is jealous and if you don’t commit to the cleanse, she’ll make sure you feel it. I was beyond diligent about this even though every day was a struggle. One of the joys in this trip is eating the array of incredible food in each country and when you can’t eat much of anything, it’s really, really hard. Especially in countries like Colombia (hello, world’s greatest coffee producer) or Peru (delicious treats abound). I started the diet over 2 weeks before because I knew it would be challenging and boy was it!

I regret nothing. (Except for the ceviche on the right, not delish.)

After lunch, there isn’t much to do but rest or read. While the jungle is full of activity, in retreat the most happening place was napping in the hammocks. The days were was also suffocatingly hot. There wasn’t anything to do and no real energy to do it so you just rested and prayed for sunset when it cooled down. During the days, our major event was the obligatorily 2-3 cold showers to try and beat the heat.

Nap time is the best time. Joe in his natural habitat.

By 5pm the sun was setting and the first part of the evening ceremony began, it started with receiving a flower bath from a shaman. Each person attending ceremony would be washed in flower infused water. It smelled delicious so no complaints here.

After the flower bath, our group dried off and chatted, or rather anxious awaited 7pm when we would walk up to the maloca. A maloca is a circular building that all ceremonies were held in. At this retreat center, it happened to be about a 5 minute walk from our rooms and the main lodge area via a path in the jungle. By 7pm it was pitch black so everyone was required to walk through the jungle in boots to protect against the jungle critters. Thank god there were no sightings of awful animals / bugs / serpents except for one scorpion (of course).

Best part of walking into the jungle were these boots I borrowed! #Fashion

Not so scary jungle walk during the day.

Once at the maloca our group facilitators would walk us through a group exercise such as yoga or breathing to help center the group and to calm our nerves. During our retreat our little group was a mere 5. The center can hold up to 12 guests so having only 5 is a big difference in comparison. We were 3 Americans and 2 Brits, small but mighty! During ceremony, it would be the 5 of us with 2 facilitators and 2 shamans in the room. The facilitators were there to help us if we needed anything (literally anything). Once we were settled around 8pm the shamans would come up and the ceremony would begin.

The ceremony in total lasts roughly 4 hours. It would start with the shamans cleansing the maloca with a natural astringent, then the ayahuasca would be drank by everyone, one by one. After about 20 minutes of waiting for the ayahuasca to kick in, the shamans would begin to sing their first icharos. The icharos are songs or chants that are sung by shamans in their native language. Each ceremony is totally unique based on the style of the shamans. Like all humans, they have their own style and that’s reflected in how they run their ceremonies. Our shamans preferred an intro icharo to the whole room and then they sang an icharo directly in front of each of us. The man shaman starts and then he would move around the circle while the woman shaman would sit in front of you and sing. Singing to all 5 of us takes around 1-2 hours (I think) and can be pretty intense, beautiful and wild.

The Experience

Having some background now on the ceremony, this is where the fun begins. What actually happens?

While it’s not necessary, it’s highly suggested, that going into each night of ceremony you have an intention. You focus your energy and thoughts on that intention and as you drink and prepare for the evening. This is where my naivety really came out. I believed I had pure intentions therefor I believed I’d also have pure experiences. I didn’t really realize that regardless of what you want, you can’t control what happens. I knew that things could be heavy or sad or intense. I knew that you could see and experience painful memories or harsh realities that needed light and healing. But there was other things you could also experience and I never really put that together.

It feels funny to share with you what my intentions were, they are deeply personal, far beyond what the words on this screen say or mean but I’m ok with sharing this giving some context on how my experiences went.

The below pretty accurately reflect (albeit not exact) what my intentions were throughout the week:

Night 1: I don’t remember my original intention but when I got up to the shamans and was drinking, the only thing I said was, “Trust”. (This was in part because I was really, really scared in night 1 and I wanted to trust in myself and in the medicine and was really hoping to not lose my mind on the first night!)
Night 2: What do I need to do to fully surrender to love?
Night 3: What do I need to bring in or let go of to reach my highest and greatest good?
Night 4: What do you want me to see?
Night 5: I was born to fulfill my purpose. What is my destiny?

This was our main lodge maloca. We ate all meals here and hung out.

Night 1

Ayahuasca is a thick and viscous drink. On night 1 it sort of tastes like burnt coffee molasses. Not terrible but not delicious either. But it gets worse. Each night you drink, the taste worsens so much so that it’s a struggle to keep it down. After 5 nights of drinking it was near impossible not to have your eyes and mouth watering, fighting back the urge to vomit it up.

We later learned that ayahuasca needs to be shaken up before it’s served because the medicinal properties will settle to the bottom of the bottle and, of course, if all the good stuff is at the bottom and we drink what’s at the top, well…that makes for a very mellow experience. Welcome to night 1 and 2. My experience on night 1 and 2 were super chill, I would even go as far as saying really lovely and beautiful.

Night 1 was a full moon and the facilitators said multiple times that week, “We've never had such a mellow full moon night before." Literally, the shamans fell asleep because it was so mellow and we didn't end ceremony until past 3am since everyone was passed out. Going into night 1 was a bit terrifying to begin with so I was beyond grateful that it was calm. While it was a welcomed experience to ride the wave through the night, I didn’t feel like I got much from it in terms of reflecting on my intention and my experience but it did allow me to build trust in the medicine and trust in the process.

On night 1 I did see a download of all sorts of weird memories from childhood to recent memories. It was like a film strip flickering in my mind. There were also bugs and snakes and things coming and going but nothing that stuck out that I can remember. It felt almost as if it was a lucid dream. Somewhere between bizarro land and a run through of memories of the past. I feel asleep at some point and after leaving the maloca remember saying to the facilitators, “That was so lovely.”

Sunsets in the jungle are the worst. (JK)

Night 2

I was beyond grateful for the mellow experience from night 1. It felt like I had my ayahuasca sea legs (for lack of a better term). I was ready to move beyond and go a little deeper. Because night 1 was mellow and the medicine felt very soft I didn’t experiment with releasing control. If it started to get a little weird, I was able to mentally reel myself back in. So approaching night 2 I felt like I knew a little how to manage the evening and was looking forward to night 2 and thinking about where I could dig in a little deeper.

I looked back in my journal and I wrote, “Night 2 was divine.” And indeed it was. Night 2 was excellent.

I’ve gotten this phrase, “Surrender to love” stuck in my mind like a skipping record. I don’t exactly know when or where it came from but it always is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of an intention, where I want to direct my energy, what I want to manifest more of. So it was only natural that a version of this phrase came to me as an intention for a night of ayahuasca. What I was more interested in though was is the deeper meaning, what does this actually meant to me.

In terms of psychedelic trip, night 2 delivered in a major way. IT. WAS. AWESOME. As I laid down during the first part of the evening I could feel these tiny laser beams performing surgery on my face and brain. It was a little painful, my face contorted and stretched in weird ways I didn’t think was possible. My brain hurt. The laser beams were re-programming my head because in order to align with my intention. The surgery focused just on my head because my heart was already there and I only needed to change my head (my thoughts). Surgery lasted a few minutes and afterwards I felt significantly different and lighter. The same stream of consciousness and memories reeled in. It was like the highlight reel of my best and more lovely memories. I felt safe, loved and filled with joy. At some point I came to chronicle and thank every strong and badass woman in my life. I saw all of these friends and mentors and people I love and gave them deep and immense gratitude for their impact on my life and for being amazing. I was drunk on the fountain of gratitude and it was awesome.

The second part of the night was just an amazing high. Like everything you expect, weird awesome shapes, amazing colors and shadows. I stared at my hands for 10 minutes because they just looked weird and awesome. I waved my arms around just to experience what it felt like, it was pure joy. I kept repeating to myself, “This is so awesome.”

One of the side effects of ayahuasca is purging. However, purging can come in many forms, most think of the purge coming from the top or bottom. But there are other forms too, like crying, laughing, screaming, talking, etc. Night 2 was so glorious I was on the verge of a giggle purge. All I wanted to do was LOL but I never fully got there.

I did however vomit. And it was glorious. Yes, glorious. At the end of night 1 I thought I was sober but once I got up to walk back to our rooms I was beyond inebriated. I couldn’t walk alone and speaking was near impossible. As soon as I got up I was also drenched in cold sweat. I felt awful. I felt nauseous and sick and dizzy. I didn’t force myself to vomit but I regret it because in night 2 I felt the same way as I sat up from my mat to leave. Immediately drenched in sweat and then it hit, I purged. It felt like a light switch, I went from feeling awful to feeling incredible. It also doesn’t feel like vomiting when you have the flu. Rather, it feels like a purge. You’re getting rid of something deep down - both darkness and lightness. Night 2 I couldn’t walk unassisted either. My feet were filled with cement, I was instantly dizzy beyond any previous feeling, like drinking 20 beers and then standing up. It took all the energy I had to walk back to our rooms, the 5 minute walk felt like 20 minutes but with the help of the facilitators I made it.

For the most part night 1 and 2 amounted to really mellow nights. Night 2 followed suite from night 1. There was little action in the maloca. No one was having any crazy experiences, no one was really even making any noises. Which again, may have been from the ayahuasca not being fully mixed. But just wait, night 3 was where things got interesting.

Where lots of other magic happened…the bathrooms.

Night 3

I don’t know what I was expecting but after 2 nights of relative ease I was definitely not prepared for night 3. The medicine kicked in hard and fast. I closed my eyes and everything was pixelated and falling away, it was like sea sickness x 100, all I could see was spinning and crashing worlds. I laid down and immediately was overcome by nausea, I sat up and instantly starting throwing up. As I was purging, the bucket, my known universe, the entire world disappeared. I physically couldn’t even feel the difference between my hands, the bucket and the floor. In mere seconds I went from throwing up to screaming into the air. I have no idea how I stopped vomiting and started screaming. I had no sense of time or space.

It was a guteral, animal scream. It felt like I couldn't stop even though it probably only lasted 2 seconds. I remember thinking to myself, I won’t know how to stop screaming unless someone helps me. The facilitator across the room lit his cigarette and once I saw the light I immediately snapped out of it. It was instant relief because I didn’t know how I was going to stop without help.

But it didn't stop there. I went deeper and deeper into psychosis. I was spinning and falling and was seeing visions and dimensions that were insane and terrifying. I couldn't control anything. I had no sense of time but it was probably only a few minutes from when I was vomiting that the psychosis was so bad I screamed out "I NEED HELP" and started knocking on the floor in fear. When we started the week, the facilitators told us that at any time we could ask for help. And if we couldn’t talk, we could knock on the floor 3 times. At the time, it was a struggle to find the words but I was spiraling down deeper and fast and was out of control, I was desperate and was somehow able to ask for both types of help.

The facilitator came over to me and held my hand and would softly and loving reach out when I needed it. I could barely focus on her and barely talk. But when it got bad I squeezed her hand and felt a moment of grounding surrounding the chaos. She was there to help support me through the hardest times even though she didn’t technically do anything (there’s not much she can do) her support was invaluable. At one point, I was at the bottom of an episode. I had a moments rest and reprieve from the fear and she whispered to me, “It comes in waves. Just remember it comes in waves.”

And she was right. Once I finally realized and made sense of the pattern I understood the waves that were happening. It didn’t make it easier to lost my mind but it did help knowing that each cycle would be scary and would come with relief.

The worst part began once the shamans began singing the icharos. Most of the nights the icharos are exactly the same, but whatever I was experiencing in night 3 the songs sounded like pure evil. The singing made me literally lose my mind and go deeper into fear. It was like they were drilling into my mind. The intonation of their voices, the unknown language, the singing of both man and woman was pure chaos. It was an invitation into the depths of hell. The songs and my psychosis were intertwined in pandemonium. The shamans controlled how deep I went and how scary it was, I had no control. In one of my moments I was able to speak I remember saying to the facilitator sitting next to me, “They’re doing this on purpose. This is evil to give us 2 good nights and now this.”

I don't know how long I lost my mind for but it felt like awhile. Worlds were colliding, there were shock waves of voices and cries and images. Everything felt like a horrible ride at a carnival mixed with a horrific kaleidoscope effect. Images would flash and scale inside my mind duplicating across my field of vision. Nothing was ever the same, nothing stayed still. On reflection there's not an easy way to describe the images I could see. It’s just that the sensation was always fear or terror, it never felt interesting or strange. I remember thinking, “This is what insane asylum patient feel like. This is how you lose your mind. Am I coming back from this alive?”

It didn't really matter if my eyes were open or closed. It felt better to keep them closed because I couldn't differentiate anything with my eyes open. I learned throughout the night that I also could get a little more grounded when I opened my eyes briefly and I felt like I needed to use this as a moment of relief when I needed it. Thus, my eyes remaining closed 90% of the evening.

Three of us all lost our minds that night. The energy in the room was dark. Myself and my British friend across the room had it the worst. He became super verbal during the night and because I was going through my own version of hell it would set me off. He would be would be talking and screaming, "HELP ME. STOP IT. I CAN’T DO THIS. No no no no no. Stop. Seriously, someone please stop this.” And then indistinguishable screams. And he would yell this again and again and again. He would be quiet for a minute then it would start again. When he started screaming it would echo and ricochet in my mind and cause deeper and more acute fear.

His terror would get set off string of events and deeper psychosis in my brain. It was like he triggered additional moments and visuals in my experience. There were moments when I had a moment of clarify and I could “control” my experience that I tried to save him. I would scream across the room to him to tell him, “You got this. You’re ok. Just breathe.” And I could scream at him because I was in a valley of calm at that moment. I wasn’t losing my mind so I could rationalize things a bit. I could make just enough sense of the chaos to know that I was going to be alright and he could be too. And besides that, I wanted him to stop screaming so I could also stop losing my mind.

I don't know how long it took but eventually I got "control" of the psychosis. Or at least I could witness the pattern. The cycle would start with losing my mind. Like true fear, images, visuals, screams in my mind and awful sounds. Then that would subside because I would start the process of turning into a dragon. Crazy sounding? Yes. But it felt like the realest experience. At one point I laughed to myself and thought, “Giving birth to a human is nothing compared to giving birth to a dragon.”

Giving birth is the best way to describe it even though it was actually my body contorting and transforming into a dragon. Becoming or birthing a dragon didn’t matter, I couldn’t differentiate the difference, it manifested as intense nausea, like I had to vomit the dragon for her to be born.

It would start with me rocking in circles trying to do anything to alleviate the nausea. The pit of my stomach ached as I could feel a dragon coming from my stomach out of my mouth. During this process I would be breathing heavily and growling and making these noises from my mouth that felt like a lion breathing fire. It’s hilarious to think about, or even write, but I had absolutely no control over my mind or body. I couldn’t stop this process of turning into a dragon even if I wanted to. I couldn’t stop this insane feeling that I was a dragon. Every movement, every breathe, every movement wasn’t mine. My entire body, both mentally and physically turned into a dragon. I felt like my arms were wings and my head was a dragon’s face.

This process of turning into a dragon would last a few minutes. During the transition I felt absolutely awful, I tried to tell myself to let go and go with the process but it was scary too. “To give myself some strength and to remind myself that I was ok, I would say out loud, “Surrender. You can do this. You got this. You’re safe.” And I would repeat this, but specifically the surrender part as much as I possibly could. It was much less fear inducing during the dragon moments versus losing my mind. It was much more manageable and interesting.

Once the transition peaked and more or less embodied the dragon I felt alive, unstoppable and fearless. I felt fucking fantastic. Strong. Wild. Not human. Insane. Ready to fly. The next day the facilitators told me that a few times during the evening I had moments of dark and deep laughter. Like an evil superhero who maniacally laughs. I remember this too. I laughed once I realized I was a dragon, I knew nothing could stop me.

This transition also coincided with the icharos the shamans were singing. At their peak of the song the intensity in my mind matched their cadence - chaos and fear. As the song sorted and came to an end, I too would find some relief and even pleasure. Because the shamans would sing to each of us throughout the night, this turned into a vicious cycle for me. But I knew it became a pattern - lose my mind, start turning into a dragon, become a dragon and feel great, relief.

This was the cycle I repeated throughout the entire night, again and again. It felt like it happened dozens of times. I kept seeing this vision that I had to repeat this circle of hell and turn into a dragon in order to fly. Once I could finally capture and embody my strength as a dragon the 2nd half of the night would be magical - I would literally be able to fly away and I’d have the most amazing night of flight. But the problem was I couldn't get there. I could fly. I could never take the next step from being the dragon to whatever was next. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was control but it never happened and I hated that I was stuck.

Relief did come at the end of the cycle and I would dip into a sleep for 10 or 15 seconds of sweet and divine calm. And then the process started all over again. Relief also came in small and measurable ways. I would open my eyes and feel safe. I would touch my feet or the floor and feel grounded. But these were only momentary and fleeting moments of relief. At one point I was having a hard time and for whatever reason I saw my best friend Snewt. I was in her house and she just said, “Oh Meg, you’re safe.” And then she hugged me. It felt like this lasted for a few minutes but it was likely only moments. But I just kept coming back to that hug and saying, “Snewt, Snewt, Snewty” over and over. It was a beautiful moment in the disarray happening in my mind.

At another point in the night where I had some ability to think logically, I thought to myself, “Well there’s got to be something good that comes out of this. I wonder if like I can speak fluent Spanish while I’m in this hell?” And then I tried to speak fluent Spanish and guess what? Nada. This psychedelic journey does not come with downloads of foreign languages, unfortunately. Because if it did, I would be way in.

These moments were rare and fleeting, for the most part it was anarchy. At least 5 times during the night the shamans or my facilitator touched me to snap me out of my darkest moments when everything was in chaos. They would say, “You're ok, you're ok, come back.” I don’t know how they knew I was gone but I was. I needed to be brought back and it was like snapping your fingers. They would say, “Come back” and for a brief moment I would be fully conscious, I’d say, “Thank you.” And then I’d instantly slip back into where I was during the process.

After what felt like hours and hours the night started to ease off. The ayahuasca began to wear off and the cycle of chaos was subdued with more control and less chaos. It felt like the night would never end. I didn’t see what the possible lessons were to be learned from this night. I was just glad it was coming to an end. The hallucinations were getting softer. At one point I saw, or imagined, or forced a vision of a phoenix - myself as the dragon emerging from the ashes. Again, with this desire and need to fly but never being able to do it.

Night 4

The 4th night got off to a rocky start. I was terrified of what would happen even though the facilitators assured me that you wouldn’t have the same experience twice. It wasn’t to say that it wouldn’t be better or worse, it just wouldn’t be the same. A lot went down on that day. Everyone was incredibly shaky and uneven from the previous night. While I won’t go into much detail out of respect for my fellow attendees the energy and group dynamic was definitely compromised based on how extreme the night before had been. It personally impacted me quite a bit. I started the day pretty strong and confident, feeling like I had experienced the craziest night but open to continue to explore this world. The day ping ponged with me feeling confident, unsure, angry, confused and ultimately questioning a lot of things I didn’t think I would question.

Approaching ceremony that night I was planning on drinking but as I sat down on the mat a flood of emotions (but primarily fear) rushed in. It was like I was having flashbacks from the previous night. I was terrified. I had just sat down but it felt like I had already drank the ayahuasca. I immediately made up my mind I wasn’t drinking that night. I went over to the facilitators to let them know and they were totally supportive and open to whatever I wanted to do. I chatted with them for a few minutes and it put me at ease. Ultimately they said it was my choice and in that moment I choose to abstain.

As the shamans entered the maloca and ceremony began I changed my mind. I was totally shocked in the moment but after talking to the facilitators I felt safer and a little more confident. However, I only drank about 25% of the shot glass, a very small amount seeing as how I felt like the aya was still surging through my system.

The memory of the 4th night was and is still a blur. The small amount of aya didn’t impact me nearly as much as the previous 3 nights but there was still an impact. I remember that I fought to control things throughout the night, I would see small flashbacks or memories from the previous night and freak out and immediately try to get out of it. The evening unfolded with little major events but the whole night I felt super very paranoid, I tossed and turned and was convinced I was being bitten by mosquitos and insects (which turns out I did get a few bites).

Everything about that night felt disjointed and tiring. I couldn’t get any rest, once I would start to drift off I’d have some sort of weird or shocking vision and would wake up and it would start all over again. This process continued throughout the entire night. I probably didn’t rested sleep until around 5AM that morning. I didn’t really have an intention because I wasn’t planning on drinking, instead I wanted to know what I needed to know (as cliche as that sounds) but I also was secretly hoping it wouldn’t be nearly as terrible as the previous night. Perhaps not the best way to enter into ceremony but there was no other way for me.

Even now thinking back to that night I don’t recall what, if any, the messages were but it was just a continued sentiment of restlessness and paranoia.

WHAT IS THIS FACE?!?! I’m dead. We met this baby sloth in a local village on our day trip.

Basically the best thing that has maybe, almost, probably ever happened to me.

The squeal of happiness. It was too much.

Night 5

I can’t lie, going into night 5 was a bit of relief. It was relief that this experience was coming to an end, it was excitement that we would be entering back into the real world. It doesn’t feel like it but a week doing ayahuasca is a long time. I was eager for it to be over but there was also a resolve that I didn’t want my experience to be defined by the 3rd night. I knew that if I drank, I would have a good 5th night.

I started ceremony by only taking a 1/2 of shot glass of ayahuasca. During ceremony there is a point in time where the facilitators call to the group if anyone wants a 2nd cup (or another dose). The first 45 minutes of the night I didn’t feel anything. This was well into ceremony, everyone had drank and the first icharo has been sung. Early in the night when things hadn’t kicked in I decided I would drink a 2nd cup but I would wait for that offer to be called instead of drinking earlier in case the medicine did kick in.

I got up and drank another 1/2 of a shot glass. This was by far the most ayahuasca I had drank over the 5 ceremonies. It didn’t take long before the medicine finally started working. Once I drank the second serving I also repeated my intention and got more specific. There were specific things I wanted to know so I went for it, also knowing in whatever sense I had that I wouldn’t have a bad experience.

The night was split into 3 parts. The first part was by far the hardest. It started off with the most nauseous I had been all week and perhaps ever. There was nothing that would comfort me but I tried. I sat cross legged on my mat and swayed back and forth, feeling a little reprieve. Moaning and humming actually helped so I sat there and waited, prayed, begged for the purge to happen. I knew that I’d feel much, much better after vomiting but it wasn’t so easy. It felt like it took about 30 minutes until it finally came. And the reason I was able to purge is because I finally realized what I needed to do was purge all of my sorrows. It was like someone or something just gave me a download - name your sorrows. So I did. In my head I started naming what made me sad and the list was short before it happened. And then I vomited a lot. It was such sadness and just release that purge. It was cleansing to name these things and give them some light and love and let go, even a little bit.

After the purge the 2nd part of the night started which was awesome and interesting information - all positive. I saw all sorts of weird things and signs from celebrities to my future career ambitions. It was the answers I wanted to know and was a willing participant tin understanding them or the messages around them. My body felt free and uninhibited, I was seeing so much, more than I can even remember but it was all interesting and with a clear direction.

The 3rd part of the night was a bit more jumbled. More of a mix between sleep and flashbacks of my 3rd night and some restlessness. That kept me up again until 5 or 6am waffling between sleep and psychedelic visions. In general though my last night was a lovely bow on the experience. It helped me feel grounded and more prepared to process the week’s information.

The 2nd best thing (after the baby sloth).

Even though jungle kitties are savage. They’ll literally eat anything.

The Conclusion

The final day we celebrated the end of the week with a feast. Like a proper feast filled with the most delicious and amazing foods that all break the ayahuasca diet. We ate like kings, it was so much fun. The remainder of the day we had to hang out and pack and reflect on the week. We would be leaving the center the next morning very early so everyone would get to their flights and or other travel plans.

It’s like Thanksgiving, but in the jungle.

The Real Conclusion

I honestly don’t know what the real conclusion it is. I feel like I have so much information and none at all. While I wasn’t expecting it, I was expecting the messages I got would be super straight forward. “Megan, you need to be a _______. Go do that.” I don’t know what that blank space would be but I felt like I would have things and thoughts and emotions I could act upon. I thought that this week may keep building on the spiritual work that I’ve started years before.

Right now, I just feel a little lost. Strung between two ends - specific actions and a grey area of unknown.

From here, I don’t know what I’ll do. Things do continue to unfold. I think the easiest takeaway for me was letting go of control. As a self identified type A, that’s not easy for me. Even if I seem to be casual about something, I also feel like I need to have control over it in some area. Drinking ayahuasca removed that barrier. You can tell from my experiences that I couldn’t control the situation as much as I wanted to and surrendering to it was both terrifying and liberating. I did it. I made it. I didn’t die. I was ok.

And I’ll continue to be ok. Because this experience wasn’t what I expected and yet at the same time so much more. What I’m learning is to be patient with the lessons, the takeaways and the insights. In time, it will make sense. And if it doesn’t, that’s ok too.

- M